The Deathbed

The Deathbed
A patient's Diary

“Doctor, how long?” I was asking how long would I live. But I knew that his answer was about how long this would capture me. Again I questioned him “would I be able to survive or not?”

He looked deep into my eyes, his lips murmured something, I can see the sadness in his eyes but his facial expression and body language abled me to get my answer!

one thought was popping again and again that my family will suffer a lot after me! And the cost of my life would be very less for me.

As the doctor knew me very well because he is my family doctor. The way he looked at me confirmed my illness. He just monitored and said “it could be one day, four days or may take a couple of years”.  

After this I returned to home and I was feeling depressed, unfortunate. After one week of doctor’s visit I was playing football in the ground with my fellow classmate in college. I got a respiratory problem which also triggered my asthma attack. This problem lead me to the hospital again. After 15 days of admission I thought  I could go home, suddenly i got unexplained vomiting followed by expulsion of blood from my mouth. This was making my situation worse.

I was not understanding anything about what was happening? My doctor told me that I have to take rest in proper and organized way, and advised me not to take any kind of stress.

I began to read all about my disease and I dug and read many sources . I was shocked that all my symptoms was similar to the disease matching with my current situation. I was suffering from Hematemesis, the disease in which the bleeding occurs from the upper gastrointestinal tract usually from the stomach. The disease process takes several months.

I sent my father and mother back to home as I don’t want to trouble them. I was also afraid and tired to console myself from too much grief. I don’t want them to see me in any trouble and crying. I also knew that if I wont survive then I need to be strong and positive.

At night I was recalling my childhood memories when I went to my grandfather’s house. There my Grandmother had baked a cake for me and cooked several different dishes which were my favourite. 

When I was 3 years old my parents painted the wall, I didn’t notice at that time and ran outside, leaving my hand print on the painted wall. This made my parents laugh at me. By remembering those old childhood memories, one moment gave me a smile, which suddenly turned into tears.  I was bitterly crying like a baby. I was crying because it reminds me about my life’s precious wealth, which I may loose soon.

I was feeling helpless and weak at that print of time. My heart ached for my parents, they are so lovely and are the most precious gift from the god.

But I unfortunately would be leaving them . I scolded myself why I am thinking negatively but my heart lead me to cry.  I could no longer hug them or spend time with them. I would not be able to think what was happening? When I would be gone, how can my parents will bear this pain and go through this trauma. I was not able to think that how would my mother is going to live without me! I had never been gone through such weeping as I did that night. I had never felt scared a bit anymore in my life than  in this present situations. The of leaving my permanent loved ones exalted me a lot! 

Due to all this thought running in mind had not let me to fall asleep. I was feeling restless.  I had no right to complain the god about all this happenings because I knew I deserved to die. I was thankful to god that he gave  me a chance get prepared for it. But anyhow I don’t want to die in this early age, “I wish I could live more.”

Alone and painfully I prayed to God to give me another chance! 

I sent a message to my only brother, he would then be left alone for taking all the responsibility on his shoulder. And taking care of the parents. When he arrived I talked to him and gave him some instructions and wrote them all in my diary. After he all these my brother asked me not to think negative and wanted me to take rest.   

He advised me to write my feelings in my diary , it would help me to overcome this feeling of sorrow and grief. So I decided to write about my tragic phase of life which is my encounter with a such fatal disease. This disease made me weak mentally as well as physically. So I am here, I just began with my  past to present. Now I am standing at that phase of my life where I have unequal possibility of either death or survival.  Now I am able to understand that death itself is not terrifying but the thought of death is the most horrible than anything else in the world. It is imperative to get over the fear of death and keep it away from ourselves.

I wanted to face it with confidence, courage and hope of survival. The doctor will come and see me while the nurse is doing her best to make me calm! Today I felt nothing, whole day like I had lost all my emotions! 

I just wanted to listen that my parents and my brother would utter a sentence “ things will be better after your surgery dear”

But I was not afraid anymore by now! Because death is the ultimate truth of the world. And no one can deny it anyhow!

Death is not opposite of the life but it is a part of it, this is so because a meaningful sentence is far better than a meaningful word. I know it is painful to say goodbye to someone but you don’t want to let them go!

I think death must be beautiful to lie is soft  brown earth with grasses waving above one’s head and listen to silence.

All I want to say to my family “ I love you” mom and dad and my brother! I know my death would create an emptiness in your life.

Goodbye!

Your lovely son 

Alex…..